How to Deal With Dream Crushers: When People Tell You You Can't Have the Career You Want
Ready to make a career move but afraid what others will think? Fear that the people you care most about won’t support you? Have you been told you’re asking for too much, aiming too high, or being “unrealistic”? Learn how to deal with dream crushers.
I hate it when someone stomps on another person’s dreams. Man, it fires me up.
It’s one thing when it’s a troll or total stranger.
It’s quite another when the perp is a family member, friend, or trusted advisor.
The idea that a loved one would be a barrier to our happiness is maddening.
Yet it happens all the time.
Dreamer: I’m finally going to pursue my dream of starting that t-shirt business.
Dream Crusher: You know, honey, so many businesses fail.
Dreamer: I’m thinking about going freelance so I can travel the world.
Dream Crusher: You’ll need to get a real job eventually…How are you going to explain this to your next employer?
Dreamer: I discovered this start-up that I’m really excited about.
Dream Crusher: Why would you leave a perfectly good job to risk it all?
Bonus points if they launch into an “In my day…” rant about how people today are so entitled and there’s a reason they call it ‘work’ and you should be grateful for having a job in the first place.
These beliefs are straight settling vibes.
We know this intellectually. Yet when people we respect or care about criticize our ideas, it’s like a dagger to the heart. We value their opinion. We want to make them proud. We assume they know what’s best. (They don’t.)
Or maybe they’re speaking into the atmosphere the VERY THING we’re most afraid of ourselves.
Please don’t take their words as confirmation. “Maybe I’m not being realistic” is too often code for “I’m scared.”
The career and life you want is possible. You’re not asking for too much.
Here’s how to deal with the dream crushers—and find the people that will support your career vision and help you get there.
7 Tips For Dealing With Dream Crushers
1. Consider the Source
Dream crushing comes in many forms. And it frequently comes from the person’s own fears or limiting beliefs about what’s possible for them.
When someone tells you what you can’t do or be, consider the source.
What’s behind their response? Is it coming from fear, concern, jealousy, or something else? Is it about YOU or THEM?!
Dream crushers share dramatic stories that support their worst fears but lack any kind of real context: Their neighbor’s daughter who’s your age had big dreams and now she lives in a van. Their best friend’s cousin-in-law quit her job and now sleeps on a friend’s couch because she can’t afford a van.
Do these boogeyman stories have an real comparative value or lessons for you to apply? What if the characters in these stories are actually being intentional about their paths? What if they’re perfectly happy with their choices and current circumstances?
Beware third-hand stories that skip over important details and jump straight to worst case scenarios filled with hardship and misery and vans. These cautionary tales reveal more about the storyteller than the protagonists.
“They want to see you do good. But never better than them.”—Unknown
Let’s be honest, good old-fashioned jealousy often plays a role. Whether they’ve tried and failed or are too scared to try in the first place, others may have good reason to hold you back. It justifies the end result for them.
I have a client who’s pursuing a career as a professional artist (cool, right?!) A former art teacher of hers disparagingly said to her, “You’re still trying to do the Art Thing, huh?”
I don’t know where his response came from exactly, but I’ll tell you it’s 100% his stuff. And yet his words are so potentially damaging to my client’s aspirations. (Luckily she has me, haha. She just mounted a new group show, in fact!)
“Being ‘realistic’ is the quickest path to mediocrity”—Will Smith
What about when it’s an “expert” telling us to be “realistic”? Surely they know something we don’t? Ummmm, not necessarily.
A popular career coach (!) wrote a social media post telling people they didn’t have to enjoy their job. 🤷♀️
That might resonate with some people.
But for those whose career is really important to them, who want to be in a career they love, whose biggest fear is living a small and inconsequential life, that coach’s words become a really powerful dream crusher.
When I read that post, my first thought was, “What’s going on in her own career to make her offer that perspective?”
We all have filters and limitations, even “experts.”
Consider the source.
2. “Silence Is a Source Of Great Strength”—Lao Tzu
Sometimes the dream crushers in our lives can’t be avoided, so we need a plan.
I’m a big fan of telling the important people in your life what you want from them. Start building the habit of telling them how to best support you before you share your plans.
I have a few people in my life whose first instinct is to bring up potential barriers to success. It comes from a place of love, but it’s not helpful, especially when I’m already feeling nervous or vulnerable.
I tend to respond by shouting, “What kind of monster are you? You don’t want me to be happy!” when what I really mean is, “I know you want the best for me, so when I share this idea, I just need you to believe in me and tell me I can do it. Trust me, I share your darkest fears and don’t need to be reminded.”
Sometimes the best answer is silence. Give yourself permission to avoid the topic until you can confidently commit or demonstrate results. You don’t have to justify or defend anything you want to do to anyone.
We’re most susceptible to dream crushers in the beginning when we haven’t done any work yet. The voice in our head conspires with them to agree that this thing will never work so you might as well not try.
Protect your vision like a baby bird until it’s ready to fly (or this teeny tiny baby kitten and matching rug).
3. What If They’re Right?
Buried in all this advice and concern is the belief that they know better than you.
Maybe they don’t fully crush your dream; they just think that their way is better.
This one got me time and time again in my career.
While my family encouraged my creativity as a child, it all changed once I started talking about pursuing a creative career.
In eighth grade, I announced I wanted to be an interior designer. This was met with, “Oh, they don’t make any money. You’ve seen how your father struggled…”
In college, I talked about writing. The naysayers said, “You’ll have to go a more practical route, like Advertising, if you want to earn a living.”
In my early thirties, when I talked about helping people improve their lives through therapy or counseling, I was given all sorts of reasons why I’d have to go to med school, and why even then it would be so hard to start a private practice. “Your uncle knows all about that,” said the dream crushers.
(In addition to the limited vantage point of my dad’s and uncle’s experiences, do you notice all the limiting beliefs about money?! 😱)
These powerful examples were enough to keep me toiling away in a good-on-paper career that I didn’t love.
Why? Because of that nagging thought, “What if they’re right?”
So how do we know if there’s any truth to the well-meaning dream crushers’ claims?
Rather than automatically accepting their truth, find out what’s true for you. Conduct due diligence. Gather the data. And my personal favorite…
4. Find the “Yaysayers”
When you have a nascent career idea, the best thing you can do is surround yourself with others who are on the same path. Let’s call them Yaysayers. (Because it’s the opposite of naysayers, get it?)
Yaysayers follow their dreams and encourage you to do the same. And they know there are multiple paths to get there; their way is not the only way.
I probably would have found coaching years earlier if I’d followed this approach.
Instead, I abandoned my idea of helping people because I focused on people who believed Med school was the only path.
If you’re looking to become a full-time fiction writer but are surrounded with people in Corporate Communications, guess which world you’re going to see?
Find the people who are already doing it—who expose you to the opportunities you want and introduce you to possibilities you might not have imagined. Inhabit the world you want to live in by surrounding yourself with people who already live there.
Seek out the experts whose job it is to help you get what you want—without telling you you’re being unrealistic or that you have to be someone you’re not. Hello! Hi! 👋
In addition to helping you see what’s possible, yaysayers are also a source of ongoing support as you walk the path to get there.
Imagine having people around you that can advise how to overcome a challenge, share how they navigated it, and even just commiserate based on a shared understanding of what the journey is like. Priceless.
If you’re ready to be part of an engaged, supportive, diverse community of courageous leaders going after more in their careers, check out my 6-week group coaching course.
5. The Most Insidious Form of Dream Crushing: Settling for Less Than What You Really Want
When I left corporate, I began surrounding myself with successful coaches, business owners, and creatives because I knew I wanted my career to be a unique blend of the things I loved doing.
Even then, I had to carefully choose who made the cut.
I came across coaches that do all sorts of work they don’t want to “because they have to”, business owners who think they need to be constantly driven, and creatives that undervalue their work.
They, too, are a form of dream crusher—because they believe they need to settle for less than what they really want.
I focus on the people who are doing it on their own terms—traveling, making their creativity a core part of their business, and prioritizing their lifestyle and freedom to call their own shots.
6. When Your Worst Critic Is You
What happens when you’re the biggest dream crusher of them all? When everyone supports your dreams except you?
The call is coming from inside the house!
When I announced I was leaving corporate to focus full-time on my coaching business, everyone was on board. My boss and mentor were so cool with it that I asked, “Is everyone so supportive because you can’t wait to get rid of me?”
If you find yourself in crowd of people cheering you on, listen! A big part of success is trusting even when you don’t believe.
Then circle back to #4 above. Revel in others’ belief until you can build it within yourself.
Many of the successful people I know keep a folder filled with testimonials, feedback, results, and praise from the people they’ve positively impacted. It’s a helpful reminder that people need what you bring to the world.
When you’re questioning whether what you want is possible, here’s a subtle shift: instead of “Can I do this?” start asking, “How can I do this?”
It implicitly assumes it can be done and focuses you on figuring it out.
7. How To Deal With Dream Crushers? Get Your Own Damn Glasses
Dream crushers’ advice is delivered through the prism of their experience. Their advice is often rooted in the desire to protect you from struggle or failure.
That’s not support, no matter how it’s presented. And it’s exactly how you end up taking the path of least resistance.
Don’t let the dream crushers’ fears be the arbiters of your reality.
It’s like living your life wearing someone else’s glasses: The wrong prescription, a style that doesn’t suit you, a completely skewed view.
Perhaps the dream crushers have an interesting perspective, but it’s not your own.
Get your own damn glasses and find out for yourself.
If you’re ready for a career and life you love but need some help getting started, download my free 4-step roadmap.
You’ll learn how to start building your team of yaysayers, put together an actionable plan, and take action. Download the free roadmap now to learn how to deal with dream crushers.
Author Bio:
Before becoming a coach, Caroline worked in management consulting and financial services. She's made it her mission to help people grow, contribute, and get wherever they want to go.
Caroline wants people to recognize how much power they truly have to define their careers. The life and career you want really is possible once you have the roadmap. Take the first step by downloading her free guide.
She’s also a tennis fanatic, aspiring Minimalist, FIRE (Financial Independence and Retire Early) enthusiast, and Aloha Spirit seeker 🤙. She loves to share stories from her unconventional life and career focused on freedom, creativity, fun, health, family, and community. If she can do it, you can, too..
